Finding Me...

Who am I???  I have to say of the late I have been Matt's wife or Kellen and Quinn's Mom/Mommy.  Which I love, but somewhere along the line I have lost Stephanie.  With two kids I am having a hard time finding the balance between being a wife, mommy, business owner, daughter, sister, & a friend.  AND not only be all of those things, but be GOOD at all of those things.  I can honestly say that I am usually only good at one or two at a time while the other ones get slightly neglected.

While I feel that my family is complete with the addition of Quinn, I have been beginning to feel like something is missing in my life.  I finally think I know what that is....BALANCE and TIME for ME.

One of the things I used to do for myself was journal.  I would journal every night about my day, my feelings, and my dreams.  I loved to go back and read my journals and just see how my life had changed and what dreams or goals had come true.  It was an outlet and helped me remember things.  I think I have the worst memory.  This was also a way for me to process my feelings, because I am very good at bottling my feelings, writing in a journal let me get a lot of feelings out or at least work through them.  Another thing I would do is read!  I love to read a good book...I love to curl up on the couch and read or snuggle up in bed with a good book!

Matt used to poke fun at me because I was such a list maker...I think that even my lists had a list.  I would have notebooks filled with lists.  I loved the feeling of crossing things off and YES I was one of those people that wrote down and crossed something off just to see it crossed off, if it was not already on my list.  At the end of the day I felt a sense of accomplishment and also was at peace because I knew what needed to be done the next day.  Even while working full time and going to school full time I felt everything was in order.  Nothing seemed to get overlooked, because my list was always there and always ready for me to cross things off.  Even Matt loved my lists for him...he then knew what I needed done by him and would do it when he had time.

But somewhere a long the lines the I stopped.  The feeling of everything I have to do overwhelmed me to the point where now I shut down and will just do the things I need to get by.  My house is a constant mess and it never seems to be truly clean (except for when I know that people are coming).  My laundry only ends up half done and then piles are left until I find myself scrambling to get some clean clothes, because Kellen is out of underwear or something.  My mail will sit in an ever growing pile till it is toppling over and falling on the floor or taking up half of the kitchen...which leads to bills getting lost and unpaid and so on.  I have gone days without speaking to anyone, but my children, Matt and my mom with no contact to the outside world (except Facebook).  I have gone years without speaking to family back home because "I'm to busy"  It is a no wonder that when I ask my 4 year old to do something he will say..."I'm to busy".  I go to bed exhausted and don't seem to find time to journal or read.  I tend to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Sometimes I go to bed at night and think..."WHAT DID I DO TODAY"???  Most days I don't know what I did!  The day slipped by with my biggest accomplishment was making sure my children were fed and had clothed (even if they are still in their PJ's).  I don't have that same feeling of accomplishment...instead it is an intense feeling of being overwhelmed because of all the things that I need to do, but never get around to doing.

So a couple of weeks ago I think I hit my bottom or at least hit a point where I knew things had to change.  I had to find time for me and balance in my life.  So I thought about things that I could do to change and this is what I came up with...

• Since I started blogging I have been using it to help with my scrapbooks to help me remember things, but my blogging was so sporadic that I feel like I missed things....so my goal is to start blogging more often about my day, my feelings, my struggles, and a few jokes from Kellen...or whatever.  It will be honest and random, but I don't want to miss a thing!  :o)
• I am going back to the lists.  I have found a notebook and my favorite pen and my goal for today is start a list of all the unfinished things that need to be done and start marking them off.  I am hoping that along with the list I can create a schedule that would help me with cleaning and grocery shopping!  So that slowly buy surely I can gain back the balance in my life.
• I want to start reading again.  Even if that means going to bed 30 minutes early so I can read a few minutes before falling asleep.  So if you have any good book suggestions let me know!  

I am so ready and can't wait to see what happens and how things change!  

4 Months

Quinn vs Kellen at 4 Months 

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???   I sure can't!  Quinn can not be 4 months old!  I really do believe that time is flying by!  She is growing like a weed!!!  Here is what she is up to...(pictures of her at her 3 month photo shoot with Lisa Rappa)

• She is weighing in at 16 pounds 12 ounces and 16 inches tall.  She is in the 95th percentile for both height and weight!  Our Dr is saying she will be a tall girl!  Our Dr said she wins the award for the prettiest eyes and the nurse called her Snow White!  Everyone tells me that she is a living doll!  Many people have mentioned that she needs to get into modeling, but this mama does not even know where to start!  She is wearing 6 month clothing with a few 9 months (because of her height).  She is wearing size 3 diapers due to many (and I mean many) blowouts (and always when she is wearing white)  Thank goodness for a good stain remover!  Ha!

• She is full of smiles all the time and loves to show off her dimples.  She is still working on laughing, but we can usually get a few giggles out when we bounce her on the bed or when we tickle her!  Kellen is really good at getting a few laughs out of her during her new favorite game of Peak a Boo!  On April 9th she rolled over for the first time from her back to her tummy!  She will only roll back to her back if she gets really mad!  It is so funny because she tries so hard to get to her tummy and then once she is there she gets so mad...most of the time we are rolling her back and she will roll herself right back and get mad again! She has really found her hands and feet now.  It is so cute!  Her favorite toy is a ball right now or anything she can get in her mouth to chew on.  She is a drooler!  

• She is drinking 6 oz every 3-4 hours (I am still pumping and she is getting 100% mommy's milk) and on her 4 month b-day I did giver her cereal!  She was so-so about it!  She usually gets in 1 good nap a day that will be 2-3 hours and the rest are little cat naps that may last about 30-45 minutes.  She is sleeping pretty good at night and will go to bed anywhere between 7:30-9:30 and will sleep till anywhere between 4-8....we have got a couple good 12 hour nights!  :)

• Kellen loves his sister so much and it melts my heart every time I see her face light up when she sees him!  He calls her "My baby" and "sister"  It is so cute!   The other day he called her "Quinn-y".  Not so sure about that one so I am hoping that one does not stick!  She really has completed our family. 

• Quinn is a pretty happy baby and pretty easy going most of the time.  She really is only fussy when she is tired or hungry.  She loves to snuggle with you as long as you are standing and rocking!  :)  She knows what she wants and when she wants it!  

• I am enjoying be a mama to my two little kiddos!  It has been a big adjustment with two, but slowly I am getting it back together!  My house still looks like a train wreak most days and I'm showered but in yoga pants 95% of the time!  Ha!  Still working on getting dressed and in makeup thing!  :o) But I wouldn't change a thing!