Finding Me...

Who am I???  I have to say of the late I have been Matt's wife or Kellen and Quinn's Mom/Mommy.  Which I love, but somewhere along the line I have lost Stephanie.  With two kids I am having a hard time finding the balance between being a wife, mommy, business owner, daughter, sister, & a friend.  AND not only be all of those things, but be GOOD at all of those things.  I can honestly say that I am usually only good at one or two at a time while the other ones get slightly neglected.

While I feel that my family is complete with the addition of Quinn, I have been beginning to feel like something is missing in my life.  I finally think I know what that is....BALANCE and TIME for ME.

One of the things I used to do for myself was journal.  I would journal every night about my day, my feelings, and my dreams.  I loved to go back and read my journals and just see how my life had changed and what dreams or goals had come true.  It was an outlet and helped me remember things.  I think I have the worst memory.  This was also a way for me to process my feelings, because I am very good at bottling my feelings, writing in a journal let me get a lot of feelings out or at least work through them.  Another thing I would do is read!  I love to read a good book...I love to curl up on the couch and read or snuggle up in bed with a good book!

Matt used to poke fun at me because I was such a list maker...I think that even my lists had a list.  I would have notebooks filled with lists.  I loved the feeling of crossing things off and YES I was one of those people that wrote down and crossed something off just to see it crossed off, if it was not already on my list.  At the end of the day I felt a sense of accomplishment and also was at peace because I knew what needed to be done the next day.  Even while working full time and going to school full time I felt everything was in order.  Nothing seemed to get overlooked, because my list was always there and always ready for me to cross things off.  Even Matt loved my lists for him...he then knew what I needed done by him and would do it when he had time.

But somewhere a long the lines the I stopped.  The feeling of everything I have to do overwhelmed me to the point where now I shut down and will just do the things I need to get by.  My house is a constant mess and it never seems to be truly clean (except for when I know that people are coming).  My laundry only ends up half done and then piles are left until I find myself scrambling to get some clean clothes, because Kellen is out of underwear or something.  My mail will sit in an ever growing pile till it is toppling over and falling on the floor or taking up half of the kitchen...which leads to bills getting lost and unpaid and so on.  I have gone days without speaking to anyone, but my children, Matt and my mom with no contact to the outside world (except Facebook).  I have gone years without speaking to family back home because "I'm to busy"  It is a no wonder that when I ask my 4 year old to do something he will say..."I'm to busy".  I go to bed exhausted and don't seem to find time to journal or read.  I tend to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Sometimes I go to bed at night and think..."WHAT DID I DO TODAY"???  Most days I don't know what I did!  The day slipped by with my biggest accomplishment was making sure my children were fed and had clothed (even if they are still in their PJ's).  I don't have that same feeling of accomplishment...instead it is an intense feeling of being overwhelmed because of all the things that I need to do, but never get around to doing.

So a couple of weeks ago I think I hit my bottom or at least hit a point where I knew things had to change.  I had to find time for me and balance in my life.  So I thought about things that I could do to change and this is what I came up with...

  • Since I started blogging I have been using it to help with my scrapbooks to help me remember things, but my blogging was so sporadic that I feel like I missed things....so my goal is to start blogging more often about my day, my feelings, my struggles, and a few jokes from Kellen...or whatever.  It will be honest and random, but I don't want to miss a thing!  :o)
  • I am going back to the lists.  I have found a notebook and my favorite pen and my goal for today is start a list of all the unfinished things that need to be done and start marking them off.  I am hoping that along with the list I can create a schedule that would help me with cleaning and grocery shopping!  So that slowly buy surely I can gain back the balance in my life.
  • I want to start reading again.  Even if that means going to bed 30 minutes early so I can read a few minutes before falling asleep.  So if you have any good book suggestions let me know!  
I am so ready and can't wait to see what happens and how things change!  

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