Finding Me...

Who am I???  I have to say of the late I have been Matt's wife or Kellen and Quinn's Mom/Mommy.  Which I love, but somewhere along the line I have lost Stephanie.  With two kids I am having a hard time finding the balance between being a wife, mommy, business owner, daughter, sister, & a friend.  AND not only be all of those things, but be GOOD at all of those things.  I can honestly say that I am usually only good at one or two at a time while the other ones get slightly neglected.

While I feel that my family is complete with the addition of Quinn, I have been beginning to feel like something is missing in my life.  I finally think I know what that is....BALANCE and TIME for ME.

One of the things I used to do for myself was journal.  I would journal every night about my day, my feelings, and my dreams.  I loved to go back and read my journals and just see how my life had changed and what dreams or goals had come true.  It was an outlet and helped me remember things.  I think I have the worst memory.  This was also a way for me to process my feelings, because I am very good at bottling my feelings, writing in a journal let me get a lot of feelings out or at least work through them.  Another thing I would do is read!  I love to read a good book...I love to curl up on the couch and read or snuggle up in bed with a good book!

Matt used to poke fun at me because I was such a list maker...I think that even my lists had a list.  I would have notebooks filled with lists.  I loved the feeling of crossing things off and YES I was one of those people that wrote down and crossed something off just to see it crossed off, if it was not already on my list.  At the end of the day I felt a sense of accomplishment and also was at peace because I knew what needed to be done the next day.  Even while working full time and going to school full time I felt everything was in order.  Nothing seemed to get overlooked, because my list was always there and always ready for me to cross things off.  Even Matt loved my lists for him...he then knew what I needed done by him and would do it when he had time.

But somewhere a long the lines the I stopped.  The feeling of everything I have to do overwhelmed me to the point where now I shut down and will just do the things I need to get by.  My house is a constant mess and it never seems to be truly clean (except for when I know that people are coming).  My laundry only ends up half done and then piles are left until I find myself scrambling to get some clean clothes, because Kellen is out of underwear or something.  My mail will sit in an ever growing pile till it is toppling over and falling on the floor or taking up half of the kitchen...which leads to bills getting lost and unpaid and so on.  I have gone days without speaking to anyone, but my children, Matt and my mom with no contact to the outside world (except Facebook).  I have gone years without speaking to family back home because "I'm to busy"  It is a no wonder that when I ask my 4 year old to do something he will say..."I'm to busy".  I go to bed exhausted and don't seem to find time to journal or read.  I tend to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Sometimes I go to bed at night and think..."WHAT DID I DO TODAY"???  Most days I don't know what I did!  The day slipped by with my biggest accomplishment was making sure my children were fed and had clothed (even if they are still in their PJ's).  I don't have that same feeling of accomplishment...instead it is an intense feeling of being overwhelmed because of all the things that I need to do, but never get around to doing.

So a couple of weeks ago I think I hit my bottom or at least hit a point where I knew things had to change.  I had to find time for me and balance in my life.  So I thought about things that I could do to change and this is what I came up with...

• Since I started blogging I have been using it to help with my scrapbooks to help me remember things, but my blogging was so sporadic that I feel like I missed things....so my goal is to start blogging more often about my day, my feelings, my struggles, and a few jokes from Kellen...or whatever.  It will be honest and random, but I don't want to miss a thing!  :o)
• I am going back to the lists.  I have found a notebook and my favorite pen and my goal for today is start a list of all the unfinished things that need to be done and start marking them off.  I am hoping that along with the list I can create a schedule that would help me with cleaning and grocery shopping!  So that slowly buy surely I can gain back the balance in my life.
• I want to start reading again.  Even if that means going to bed 30 minutes early so I can read a few minutes before falling asleep.  So if you have any good book suggestions let me know!  

I am so ready and can't wait to see what happens and how things change!  

4 Months

Quinn vs Kellen at 4 Months 

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???   I sure can't!  Quinn can not be 4 months old!  I really do believe that time is flying by!  She is growing like a weed!!!  Here is what she is up to...(pictures of her at her 3 month photo shoot with Lisa Rappa)

• She is weighing in at 16 pounds 12 ounces and 16 inches tall.  She is in the 95th percentile for both height and weight!  Our Dr is saying she will be a tall girl!  Our Dr said she wins the award for the prettiest eyes and the nurse called her Snow White!  Everyone tells me that she is a living doll!  Many people have mentioned that she needs to get into modeling, but this mama does not even know where to start!  She is wearing 6 month clothing with a few 9 months (because of her height).  She is wearing size 3 diapers due to many (and I mean many) blowouts (and always when she is wearing white)  Thank goodness for a good stain remover!  Ha!

• She is full of smiles all the time and loves to show off her dimples.  She is still working on laughing, but we can usually get a few giggles out when we bounce her on the bed or when we tickle her!  Kellen is really good at getting a few laughs out of her during her new favorite game of Peak a Boo!  On April 9th she rolled over for the first time from her back to her tummy!  She will only roll back to her back if she gets really mad!  It is so funny because she tries so hard to get to her tummy and then once she is there she gets so mad...most of the time we are rolling her back and she will roll herself right back and get mad again! She has really found her hands and feet now.  It is so cute!  Her favorite toy is a ball right now or anything she can get in her mouth to chew on.  She is a drooler!  

• She is drinking 6 oz every 3-4 hours (I am still pumping and she is getting 100% mommy's milk) and on her 4 month b-day I did giver her cereal!  She was so-so about it!  She usually gets in 1 good nap a day that will be 2-3 hours and the rest are little cat naps that may last about 30-45 minutes.  She is sleeping pretty good at night and will go to bed anywhere between 7:30-9:30 and will sleep till anywhere between 4-8....we have got a couple good 12 hour nights!  :)

• Kellen loves his sister so much and it melts my heart every time I see her face light up when she sees him!  He calls her "My baby" and "sister"  It is so cute!   The other day he called her "Quinn-y".  Not so sure about that one so I am hoping that one does not stick!  She really has completed our family. 

• Quinn is a pretty happy baby and pretty easy going most of the time.  She really is only fussy when she is tired or hungry.  She loves to snuggle with you as long as you are standing and rocking!  :)  She knows what she wants and when she wants it!  

• I am enjoying be a mama to my two little kiddos!  It has been a big adjustment with two, but slowly I am getting it back together!  My house still looks like a train wreak most days and I'm showered but in yoga pants 95% of the time!  Ha!  Still working on getting dressed and in makeup thing!  :o) But I wouldn't change a thing!  

Let it begin...

IT has been said that "Laughter is the best medicine" and I would have to agree.  Even in my darkest moments, laughter can help lighten the mood around me.  And there is just something about when a baby giggles that can bring me to tears of joy.  

IN this season of my life, laughter should be all around me...with a 4 month old that is trying so hard to learn the art of laughter and a 4 year old that LOVES to laugh and tell jokes.  BUT I seem to be too busy or too stressed or too tired to stop and enjoy the laughter in my house.  On the days that I do stop and watch Kellen and his daddy play and listen to laughter I am overwhelmed with love...

BUT those days are few and far between that I actually sit back and enjoy the "happiness" around me.  I seem to be caught up in this web of sadness and anger...most of the anger, stress; worries and sadness are over trivial things.  Most of these things could probably be solved by communicating my feelings.  But I am a "bottler"...I will stuff all of my feelings deep down until the day that I can't handle it anymore and I blow...most of the time the victim to this volcano of feelings is Matt.  This will leave me full of guilt and wanting to say “I’m sorry” and take back everything that I just said, because the words that just came out of my mouth were so hateful…

BUT instead, I will usually retreat to my room or studio and begin to “bottle” again.  I just cannot do it anymore for myself, my marriage and my children.  I want to learn to communicate those feelings and begin to “un-bottle” all the things holding me back from being the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that I want to be. 

SO this is the beginning of letting go and working through all the things that are holding me back from those simple moments of happiness and truly let myself be happy!  I want to be able to hear all the laughter in my house and around me.  This is my journey of adding laughter to my everyday life!

My sweet babies...January 2013

Easter

There is something about this time of year...a time of new beginnings.  Spring is in the air and new colors are popping up everyday!  The birds are singing and the lizards are venturing out to sun themselves on our porch (I could do without the lizards & the pollen)!!!  Easter was a lot of fun this year.  Kellen was so cute and on several occasions at random times would shout out...."Jesus is Alive"!!!  When we asked him why we celebrate Easter he would say, "Because Jesus died on the cross for our sins" and then with all the innocence in the world looked at me and ask, "What is sin"???  The innocence of a child is an amazing thing!

We enjoyed Easter this year with our two kiddos!  I do have to say shopping for an Easter dress for Quinn was very fun!  I still can't believe that I have a little girl!  :o) Here is a look at our festivities....

On the Wednesday before Easter, Kellen had an Easter party at school!  They enjoyed an egg hunt (twice because they had so much fun), lunch, a couple games, and the story of Easter.  I absolutely love Kellen's school and he is loving school so much.  I am not sure what he will do when he is finished in a little over a month!  Next year he will go 5 days a week and I am sure he will LOVE it!  Here are a few pictures from the party....

 

 

On Saturday our neighborhood put on an Easter Egg Hunt!  It was SO much fun this year.  There was a DJ that played games and Kellen had a blast!  Quinn pretty much slept through the whole thing!  Ha!  We invited Deanna & Charles to go with us and we enjoyed catching up with them and their two little ones!  After the egg hunt we went to Mexican and had so much fun chatting!  Deanna and I sat and talked about the babies that are only a few weeks apart!  We can't believe that they are here...it seems like yesterday we were both shopping with our big belly's.  Here are some pictures from the egg hunt...

 

On Sunday, we had breakfast with Nana and then since it was a little rainy, the bunny planned a scavenger hunt in the house for Kellen!  He had so much fun and we still have to read his clues so he can relive the hunt!  There was 13 clues that led to 12 eggs and then ended with Kellen & Quinn's Easter basket!  :o)  So here is our scavenger hunt, clues and all...

#1 ~ Find me in the place where you would find Art Projects....

In Mommy's studio

#2 ~ I was hungry so I ate the next best thing...

In the Kitty Food!

#3 ~ I bumped my head on the kitty food lid so I borrowed your boo-boo bug!

In the Freezer!

#4 ~ I wanted to play for a bit so I built a house...

In a Lincoln Log house!

#5 ~ I got a little sleepy so I took a snooze in your sisters bed.

In Quinn's Pack & Play

#6 ~ After I woke up I needed to potty...you were out of toilet paper so I needed to find some.

Under the Bathroom Sink

#7 ~ Oops I spilled soap all over me, so I need to take a bath!

In my bathtub!

#8 ~ My shirt was wet from the soap so I had to dry it...

In the Dryer

#9 ~ I peeked in on your sister and she was stinky...so I changed her for your mommy and daddy

In Quinn's room by the diaper trash can

#10 ~ Then I peeked in on your and read a book or maybe two!

On my book shelf

#11 ~ My feet got cold so I tried on your Daddy's Dirty Bird slippers...

In Daddy's slipper...silly bunny

#12 ~ I wanted to brush my fur before my next stop so I borrowed your mommy's brush...

In mommy's bathroom

#13 ~ I left a surprise where mommy & Daddy keep their clothes!

In the closet!  AND there's TWO!!!

After the hunt was over we headed to church.  It was nice to go back...it was the first time since Quinn was born.  I have been so afraid to take her anywhere because of all the yucky things going around!  We are slowly getting out of the house, but I think she has allergies like her brother and mommy!  Her poor little nose has been stuffy!   We snapped a few pictures of the kids and us all dressed up!